The Bullet
by TheAprilFool
Summary: After a bizarre meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, Tonks decides that it is finally time to get inside Lupin's pants, by any means necessary.


Blah, blah, blah disclaimers, blah.

The Bullet

Things were relatively calm at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the once proud home of the Black family. Its current owner, a Mr. Harry James Potter, was currently away at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This year, Harry's sixth at Hogwarts, would see Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore showing Harry the life story of Lord Voldemort; an event that would take but perhaps a day from Harry's life had Dumbledore not decided to draw the event out through the entire school year. The knowledge that would be passed would decide the fate of many in the magical world, but that is a story for a more competent scribe.

Grimmauld Place would be empty if not for the Order of the Phoenix, a secret society, founded by Albus Dumbledore, whose sole purpose was to investigate the goings of Lord Voldemort, an evil terrorist bent on world domination, and, if necessary, react to it. The Order was well known for getting nothing done, likely because they got nothing done. Their information tended to come after the fact, unless it came from one Severus Snape. Severus Snape was a spy for the Order and risked his life daily to bring information to the Order. Unfortunately, the information he brought them could not be acted upon without revealing the spy in Voldemort's inner circle, so it was with heavy hearts that many deaths occurred while they waited to clean up the mess. On the bright side, however, they managed to top their response time last week by arriving to the scene of a grisly attack on non-magic folk, known as muggles, the moment the attackers had disappeared. A small consolation, but one Dumbledore was quite proud of.

Grimmauld Place would not be empty tonight; a meeting of the Order was planned by Dumbledore, who had a very special reason for their assembly.

"Good evening." Dumbledore somberly opened the proceedings. He sat at the head of the kitchen table looking at his beloved Order. Never before had there been so fine a gathering of procrastinators and uselessness as there was this night.  
"Good evening," members of the Order mumbled in response. Dumbledore shook his head sadly, as if that were the most pathetic thing he had ever heard.

"Surely we can do better than that," he told them, disappointment laid thick in his voice. "Let's try again. Good evening."

"Good evening," the Order mumbled again with one or two mumbling "yeah, whatever." Dumbledore shook it off and sat up proud, throwing his chest out like an ape standing on the top of a construction site with a barrel to throw at the waiting Lord Voldemario.  
"It gives me great pleasure to say that this is our one-hundredth meeting," Dumbledore delivered a smile that might have brought cheer to the room had it not been for the general downtrodden feeling that being a member of the Order of the Phoenix caused in your average human being. "Alastor has kindly offered to bake a cake."  
"Alastor, as in Mad-Eye?" Bill asked with an eyebrow raised high. "What does he know about baking? Shouldn't mum be baking it if anyone?" This triggered a response from a plump woman with red hair.  
"I TOLD YOU I'D BAKE IT ALBUS! I TOLD YOU! BUT NOOO YOU SAID HE COULD HANDLE IT!" Molly Weasley screamed at Dumbledore. "I KNEW THE MOMENT HE MENTIONED PUTTING PICKLES IN, BUT YOU SAID IT'D TASTE FINE JUST THE SAME!"  
"It will, Molly. Now, shut up." Dumbledore ordered wisely, or at least as wisely as one can tell someone to shut up, which is not that wise at all. "Alastor will be here any minute with the cake and you will not embarrass him! He poured his heart and soul into this cake! I expect every one of you to cry with the deliciousness of it! To not do so would be… criminal."  
"Yes Albus." The Order responded, every member rolling their eyes at the exact same moment in history. Had a wizarding photograph been taken at that moment it would have been preserved in time just how the Order felt about their great leader, but it was not and Dumbledore paid it no mind.

"In other business, Severus has completed his sixtieth rape and torture of muggle victims to get closer to the Dark Lord!" Albus announced, with a hint of pride in his voice. "He is now currently even closer to the Dark Lord than Lucius Malfoy was in his heyday! Tell the Order what this means, Severus."  
"Yes sir," Snape stood and threw his chest out in pride. "The horrific actions I was," and here Snape threw out finger quotes for no reason whatsoever, except that he felt it was the right moment, "forced to perform have put me one ounce closer to the Dark Lord than Rudolphus Lestrange. This means that he has now confided his favorite color unto me; it is purple."  
"Purple?" Arthur Weasley, husband of Molly Weasley and father of Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Percy Weasley, Ron Weasley, and, in the less disturbing fanfiction, Ginny Weasley, asked. "Why purple?"  
"It appears he is a fan of the Third Street Saints," Snape replied coolly. "He is determined to redecorate his … crib… with new colors as soon as he breaks Lucius out of Azkaban. Lucius always had a flair for decorating."  
"I see." Arthur said, simply. "That is… important information?" Arthur looked to Dumbledore who nodded gravely and began a slow golf clap. After five minutes it was clear that nobody intended to join in the applause for Snape, not because these people were disgusted that he was a torturing rapist, but because, in addition to being a reformed torturing rapist, who tortures and rapes on a near daily basis to get himself closer to the Dark Lord, Snape also happened to have a bad attitude. Snape had a legendarily bad attitude that got on everyone else's nerves to the point where no one in the Order was willing to clap for him, with the obvious exception of Dumbledore, who might only be clapping to prevent Snape from throwing a temper tantrum. Should Snape perform a temper tantrum the Order would be lost, as Snapes billowing robes would not doubt strangle him mid-tantrum and without their spy the Order's response time would go down, and if the Order's response time went down they might not win the Dumbly Award for Best Useless Response Time in a Crisis. Dumbledore so wanted that Dumbly award that he began to hoot and holler and whoop for Snape, encouraging others to join in. He was only brought to his senses by Minerva McGonagall, who stood up and smacked him in the middle of a celebratory tribal dance, although her slap might not have been because he was dancing but because he was shedding his robes in order to finish the dance as tradition dictated: in the nude.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and sat down in his chair as the Order awkwardly tried not to look him in the eye. He was rescued from his shame by the door opening and Alastor Moody limped his way into the room, his wooden leg scraping the floor with each step. In his arms he carried a bundle which he set down on the table.  
"Here it is." He announced. "THE MOST CONSTANTLY VIGILANT CAKE EVER PRODUCED!" Everyone stared at the grubby little package, which reminded Dumbledore of the Philosopher's Stone. He leaned forward and began to unwrap the bundle as Alastor moved to his customary seat, a stool that said MAD-BUTT GOES HERE. Once it was unwrapped, everyone stared at the supposed cake before turning to Alastor and then back to the 'cake'. McGonagall gave an awkward cough as they stared at the 'cake', as if hoping it would break the ice that had settled over the room. Nobody responded and instead they continued to stare at a single hostess cupcake sitting in the middle of the table.  
"Well eat up." Moody finally said.

"How on earth are we supposed to split a single cupcake Mad-Eye?" Molly hollered! "There is absolutely no way this will work! What were you thinking?"

"Well, I was thinking that my constantly vigilant cake filled with rat poison and sleeping potions and a touch, just a touch mind you, of veritasserum would not be very popular." Moody shrugged sheepishly. "So I stole this from a muggle child during lunchtime at the elementary school."

"Perfectly logical my old friend," Dumbledore smiled wisely, as if condoning the theft of a child's cupcake was the wisest thing that ever had the wisdom to be wise. "Now, shall we cut this into pieces?"  
"Have you gone mad Albus?" McGonagall asked. "Obviously we should return it to the poor child!"  
"Oh don't worry about that," Moody smiled mysteriously. "I gave him some of my super vigilant cake. "

"A-Are you hearing this Albus?" McGonagall cried, in distress. "We must help the child!"  
"Lunchtime was hours ago Minerva." Dumbledore said, somberly. "The best we can do is to honor his memory while enjoying this enticing treat." As if that were that, Dumbledore took out a knife and began to slice the cupcake.  
"For being such a good sport, I'll give you the first piece." Dumbledore handed Minerva a very thin slice of cupcake, which she took as her mind went blank from the sheer stupidity in front of her. As they passed the cupcake around Dumbledore had them hold a moment of silence to honor the brave child whose last memory was eating a super sweet chocolaty cake of death.  
"What a hero!" Molly wailed, tears running down her cheeks.

While observing this moment of silence, Nymphadora Tonks, a metamorphagus, was staring at one of her fellow Order members. Remus Lupin was like Clark Kent, mild-mannered and relatively tame, yet Tonks knew that once a month lie Remus' true identity: a werewolf known as Eddie McFredreckson who spent his nights dancing the night away and saving damsels in distress. How did Tonks know this? Because she just made it up. In truth, Remus was relatively tame even as a wolf and he never found the Superman to his Clark Kent. Tonks would be severely disappointed if she managed to get close to him, and oh did she plan to get close to him. He was the peanut butter to her jelly, the Edward to her Bella, and the more she lived without him the less time she had to live with him. She had to get her man soon!

"I have more news Albus," said Snape, as everyone ate their cupcake slice. "The Dark Lord was very torn up when his favorite teddy bear was burnt by his fellow orphans years ago. Santa ignored his pleas for a new one, thus he wants to cut Santa out of business. On the twelfth we will attack the muggle toy stores and burn them to the ground."  
"How many of them?" Lupin asked, shocked by this revelation.  
"All of them." Snape said, grimly. "He is quite adamant about his betrayal by Santa."

"Then why does he not take the fight to Santa?" McGonagall asked. Tonks hit herself mentally wondering why she had not thought to say that. Lupin obviously liked smart women! She could be smart if she put her mind to it!

"Because he believes Santa has a contract with muggle parents and merely supplies the money for toys rather than the toys themselves." Snape sighed. "It will be a sad Christmas this year for the muggles."  
"This is an outrage!" Dumbledore cried, standing with his hand aloft! "We must do something!"

There was a pause…

"We shall monitor the situation!" Dumbledore announced, sitting back down. "That solves everything! Now, who is not monitoring something? Arthur?"

"I'm sorry, Albus," said Arthur. He waved his hand as if dismissing Dumbledore. "I'm monitoring the Rubber Duck problem."  
"Damn!" Dumbledore cried. "Molly?"  
"I've been tasked with monitoring the circus." Molly admitted. "I'm afraid there is no hint of magical activity going on there. It's as if the Dark Lord's distrust of clowns was not actually interfering with his plans."  
"No! They have to be! We all saw that evidence starring Christian Bale as Batman!" Dumbledore slammed his fist to the table. "If the Joker didn't scare Voldemort then, dammit, nothing will! Continue to monitor the circus! He will make his move soon!"

"Yes Albus." Molly sighed.

"Just how does Batman disappear, mid-conversation, without apparating?" Dumbledore mused. "He knows… the Joker knows…"

"Albus, Albus, the meeting?" McGonagall called. Dumbledore jerked out of his thoughts.  
"Wh-what, what meeting? What are you all doing in my office? For that matter, what the hell happened to my office?" Dumbledore looked around the dining room at Grimmauld Place and was very disappointed at how dirty his office had gotten. "This looks curiously like Grimmauld Place!"

"It is Grimmauld Place you old coot!" McGonagall smacked Dumbledore upside the head once more. "As for monitoring, we're all monitoring something! You even have Charlie Weasley inspecting the dragon dung for Luna Lovegood's hidden evil lair."  
"She's out to get us! I just know it! Those crumple-horned snorklacks will be the death of us all!" Dumbledore shrieked and dove under the table. Everyone looked around awkwardly as Dumbledore slowly pulled himself back up into his seat.

"So, we need more members," he thought aloud. "Who would like to volunteer?"

The meeting dragged on for hours and hours as Dumbledore and his Order discussed the situation with Voldemort and offered suggestions on how to do nothing about it. Tonks, meanwhile, found herself completely intoxicated by Lupin, who was asleep and blowing a snot bubble out of his nose like one of those Japanese Anime characters, only far less cute. The more Tonks thought about Lupin the more she wanted to watch him in his bedroom, to follow him everywhere he went, and to confess her undying love to him in the treetops after inviting him to a baseball game with her family, and after they played she would take him to the prom and she would make him dance on her feet. Unfortunately, these thoughts were not enough to prevent Dumbledore's droning from taking its toll. By 8:30 pm, morale was at an all-time low.

"I hope to see you all at the next meeting," Dumbledore beamed at them, "which happens to coincide on Severus' birthday!" Everyone groaned in response while Snape gave a nasty smile.

"I expect a decent cake Alastor!" Dumbledore spat at Moody with all the venom he could muster. "This hostess cake was too small and got stuck in my beard!" True to his word, Dumbledore's beard was covered in chocolate. Dumbledore gathered what little ego he had left and strode out of the room to apparate back to Hogwarts, where his favorite student punching bag of all time lived.

Tonks knew it was time for action. She had ants in her pants and that obviously meant that it was time to call the exterminator, the werewolf exterminator. Tonks realized what that could be taken as when she subconsciously found herself dialing for Van Helsing . She shut her phone and shuddered slightly as she watched Lupin stand up and stretch. Lupin was preparing for a standard werewolf night. He would go home with a tub of ice cream and watch his soaps, a semi-depressing life for a once proud Marauder. In his most delirious moments he imagined Sirius was alive and laughing at his depression. Yes, Lupin's life was one big joke and the sooner it ended the sooner that dream Sirius grew up a little. Sometimes Lupin wondered if Sirius was just lonely from the afterlife, and was trying to get some company.

It would only take a simple trip to Samantha Slitwrists Shop for the Depressed and Suicidal to buy a potion that would deliver the punch-line. Remus shook himself and reminded himself that life wasn't all bad. After all, this situation was still better than when he worked part-time at Soilent Soil, the only soil that contained 50% more secret ingredient. The secret ingredient was toothpaste, which was why nobody bought Soilent Soil and the company folded two minutes after Lupin had been hired.

Tonks knew that if she were to have any chance with Remus Lupin she would have to employ her most employable skill. Yes, she would have to tackle him to the ground, handcuff him, drag him to the Ministry of Magic, book him, and then interrogate him like Wayne Brady. However, something nagged her about that and she suddenly remembered that her most desired dating ability was not her ability to arrest someone, but instead to pretend to be anyone. Yes, Tonks was a metamorphagus, which we shall let Hermione Granger explain from Hogwarts.

"You know, Harry, a metamorphagus is a person who can transform their body into anything." Hermione said, randomly while reading a book on Potions. Harry looked up from the Half-Blood Prince's book and cocked an eyebrow at her.

"How does that have anything to do with our potions essay?" Harry asked.  
"Who cares?" Ron asked. "Let's just play chess."

"No." Hermione said accusingly. "Because you snogged Lavender."  
"What does that have to do with chess?" Ron asked, while Harry had begun stroking his book.

"Oh Half-Blood Prince… you teach me so much."  
"GIVE ME THAT BOOK!" Hermione leapt at the book.

"Oh that's right!" Tonks said slapping her forehead. "I know what I must do!"

She shook her head, cleared her thoughts, increased her bust size about eleven times, lost all her belly fat, and reshaped her rear into the most reariest rear that ever had the audacity to rear. She was ready to get her man!  
"Mr. Lupin, sir," Tonks began. She spoke in the cutest voice she could ever create, and increased the size of her eyes to up the Kawaii Factor to eleventy bajillion. "I feel awfully lonely tonight."  
Lupin looked up at Tonks from the table and sighed, nodding.  
"I know how you feel," he admitted, feeling good for getting this off of his chest. "As a gay werewolf, my nights have been spent pining for the loss of my one beloved match-made-in-heaven: Sirius Black. Not that he knew I loved him, you see he always paraded his dates in my face. One time I even found him having sex in my school trunk… how he fit the girl in there I'll never know…"

"That's nice," Tonks dropped the sweet voice and applied her professional auror voice. "I might be able to help you with that."

While Lupin watched in shock, Tonks transformed herself into the perfect likeness of Sirius Black. Unfortunately, Lupin was not impressed by this transformation, nor was he ready to leap into her waiting bedroom. In fact, he looked downright disgusted.

"What the hell are you doing?" Lupin asked.

"Transforming into your ideal lover! Take me!" Tonks cried out! She leapt into the air and wrapped her legs around Lupin's waist as she began to smother him with kisses. Lupin, however, did not kiss her back. Instead he shoved her off and she fell onto the kitchen table hard!  
"Ow!" She cried. "What was that for?"  
"You! You're not making any sense! You're acting like some kind of sexual deviant!" Lupin ran his hand through his hair, while trying to come up with a reason for his actions. "And what's with the cat tail?!"

Tonks got to her knees and felt around her bum. She found the tail in question and pulled it into view.  
"So that's why the table hurt so much."  
"My Sirius did not have a cat tail! I don't need some Nyan-Sirius! What will you become half a pop-tart next?" Lupin was becoming hysterical.

"N-No." Tonks said, sheepishly. "It's just my innate talents being showcased…"  
"What talents could a cat tail showcase?!"  
"That I'm a vixen in the bedroom." Tonks winked.  
"What do foxes have to do with the bedroom?!" Lupin cried, throwing his hands in the air as if that made any sense in this situation. He bent down and grabbed his handless arms, lifting the hands up to Tonks. "Do you mind reattaching these?"  
"Sure." Tonks tapped Remus' arms with her wand and his hands attached themselves back into their proper place.  
"So, you ready to go make love?" Tonks asked. "Because I need it!"  
"Look, I really don't want to screw around with a two-headed cat Sirius." Lupin admitted, rubbing his neck. He stared at Tonks as if she had grown a second head, which was handy because she had indeed grown a second head.

"You scared of a little two-headed Sirius action?" Tonks purred. "I can think of so many things that can prove how two heads are better than one."

"What? Why the hell are you purring now? And what's with the ears?!"  
"I'm glad you like them." Tonks pawed at Lupin with the now literal cat paw she had for a hand. Lupin's eye began to twitch.

"I just want someone normal." Lupin admitted. Tonks took this idea to heart and transformed herself into the perfect likeness of Petunia Dursley, Harry Potter's aunt.

"This normal?" She asked seductively, pulling at her robes to give Lupin a better view of the goods. Lupin felt himself preparing to empty the contents of his stomach, which would consist of that single piece of cupcake.

"N-No… That's… th-that's too normal." Lupin sighed. "I need someone, someone adventurous! Someone bold! I need a person who signifies everything that a werewolf stands for, and can bring me home fresh meat to feed my pet wall of flesh. I call him Wally."

"Oh." Tonks said, shifting back into herself. She took a moment to come up with the perfect person and shifted into Jacob. Remus put one hand on his hip and performed a face-palm with the other.  
"Really now?" He asked. "Just really?"

"He's a werewolf." Tonks protested.

"He's from Twilight. Do I look like a sixteen year old girl?" Lupin raised an eyebrow. "Look, please stop transforming for now."  
"But that's my secret power!" Tonks wailed, shifting into the likeness of Hermione Granger. "Besides, haven't you ever wanted to give me a _detention_?"

"No." Lupin shrugged honestly, not even reading into what Tonks meant. "Hermione always got good grades and never played around in class."  
"I mean a _detention_." Tonks wiggled her eyebrows and gave a seductive wink. Once more she tried to pull at her robes to give Lupin a view of the goods, but Lupin's mind seemed to be elsewhere.

"Shall we go to the _classroom_, _Professor_?" Tonks purred in Lupin's ear.

"You forget. I said I was gay. J.K. Rowling altered my contract." Lupin pointed out. "Why would I have any interest in Hermione Granger?" With that Lupin sauntered off toward the exit as Tonks racked her brain to figure out how to trap him. The perfect man was leaving and she had no idea what to do! Unless!

"I CAN BE A MAN!" Tonks cried, throwing off her robes to reveal her Hermione body had undergone a quick sex-change surgery. Essentially Tonks swapped the bottom parts of the female body with the bottom parts of the male body. Lupin stared for a moment, his left eye twitching up a storm.  
"N-No, just no!" he cried. "I'm not into that! I don't want my man to have breasts!"  
"I CAN REMOVE THE BREASTS!" Tonks wailed, flattening the chest. "I CAN BE MORE MASCULINE! I CAN BUFF UP!" True to her word, Tonks buffed this monstrous likeness up to the point where it could be attractive to no living being.

"Look, Tonks, you're trying but this just isn't working out." Lupin sighed before continuing. "It's not you it's me." Tonks knew this speech. He was trying to break it off gently before it had ever been on, but it didn't help one bit; in fact, it made her downright crazy.

"But Remus! I love you!" Tonks cried. "We have a future together! You will marry me in secret and we will have a baby named Teddy and then I will go and get myself killed fighting alongside you in the only real large scale battle in the war against Voldemort, because J.K. Rowling decided that it was more symbolic to have two parents die in the last book rather than kill off other characters, even though few characters were shown dying so it really felt like it was thrown in at the last minute to add to the body count."

"What?" Lupin asked, simply.

"Please make my dream a reality! I can be anyone for you! I can be what you need!" Tonks threw herself into Lupin's arms, sobbing into his chest. As if to demonstrate, she began to shift back and forth between her different forms. Lupin gently pushed her away and began to back up toward the door.

"I CAN BE ANYTHING! ANYONE! ANY OBJECT! DO YOU WANT TO SCREW THE WASHING MACHINE?! I CAN BE THAT WASHING MACHINE!" Tonk indeed transformed into a washing machine with a mouth and eyes; the effect would have been hilarious had it been a cartoon, however it was real life so it ended up looking downright creepy. "LOOK AT MY SPIN CYCLE!"

With almost no effort, Tonks lifted Lupin up and shoved him inside her washing machine body and proceeded to turn on the spin cycle.

"LOOK AT IT!" She screamed to the empty room. "LOOK AT IT!" Lupin pounded on the door to the washing machine, desperate to escape! He was spinning around and around and around! His world became a blur until suddenly he was flung out of the machine as Tonks morphed back to normal.

"My stomach doesn't feel so good…" Tonks muttered. "Not enough fabric softener…"

Lupin's head spun, ached, and somewhere in there he had the distinct thought that he had been violated. He struggled to get to his feet, tripping over his own legs as balance, or his lack thereof, betrayed him.

"W-Was that good for you?" Tonks purred seductively as she wrapped her arms around Lupin's chest. "Was that what you needed?"  
"No… No, no…" Lupin began to cry.

"What do you like, Lupin?" Tonks nibbled on his ear. "What gets you hot?"  
"I- Oh merlin…" Lupin felt like he was about to throw up.

"Merlin? Older men?" Tonks asked. "I have just the thing." With that she transformed into the perfect likeness of Albus Dumbledore! She spun Lupin around and gave him a wet kiss. Lupin did everything in his power to shove the mad woman man away, but nothing was working!

"NO!" Lupin cried, when Tonks finally came up for air. "ANYONE BUT ALBUS!"

"Not into Albus eh? What about heroes? Young heroes?" Tonks shifted into the likeness of Harry Potter, son of the same James Potter who Lupin had gone to school with. Lupin found his strength when he looked into those emerald green eyes… Lily's eyes. He shoved Tonks away and leapt for the chandelier in an attempt to emulate action movies from the 90s! Unfortunately the chandelier was not properly fastened and it came down on him and pinned him to the table! He could not move!

"Oh bugger me!" He cried.

"Gadly!" The Tonks/Harry said, smiling in what could best be described as the Bella face. Lupin was trapped as Tonks began to shed her clothes, desperate to prove she could be ANYTHING!

"No! No! Wait! Please! No! I'm into robots!" Lupin cried, desperate to stall her as he reached for his wand.

"I can be a robot." Tonks smiled, transforming into a robot.

"A transforming robot!" Lupin corrected, he felt the tip of his wand in his fingertips but could not grasp it! "One that transforms into a stapler for all of my parchment!"  
"I can do that!" Tonks set to work devising the form as Lupin finally grasped his wand! He yanked his hand out of his pocket and blasted the chandelier away!

"FREEDOM!" He cried, leaping off the table into the hallway!  
"Remus come back! I just finished becoming a stapler robot!" Tonks cried. "We can make love now!"

Lupin did not listen! His heart raced as he took off up the stairs and took a sharp right. The door was directly ahead of him! Freedom! He could taste it! It tasted like hot dogs and lemonade!

It had worked. Lupin was home at last, away from that insane woman. He sighed as he hunt up his robes and proceeded to wear totally normal muggle clothing, like many people in the movie universe do for no reason whatsoever, despite their society being so out of tune with muggles that they ought not know what to wear in public. He sat down with a bottle of firewiskey and prepared to watch his soaps.

_Ding Dong_

There was someone at the door? Who would be visiting Remus Lupin? He was a werewolf for Merlin's sake. Shrugging, Lupin got up and went to the door. When he answered it he was met with a strange muggle lady carrying a rather large package.

"Package for Mr. Lupin," she said, dryly. "Just sign here please." Lupin signed for the package and took it inside. He could not remember ordering anything in the mail. Shrugging he decided to put it off until after his soaps and flopped back down into his recliner, taking a large swig of firewiskey.

_THUMP_

Lupin turned to look at the box. It was in the same spot he left it, so he shrugged and turned back to the television.

_THUMP_

Lupin looked over at the box again. Was it getting closer?

_THUMP_

Definitely closer now! What was in that box?

_THUMP_

The box was now beside his recliner. Lupin looked down at it, horrified by the moving cardboard. A horrible scratching noise came from the box! It began to shudder and convulse wildly! Lupin was frozen with fear as two human arms began to break free from the box.

"WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER?!" Lupin cried. "I MUST KILL IT!" Lupin jumped away from his recliner and fetched his revolver, loaded with silver bullets for if he ever let the depression take him away. Today, he had a mission. That box was dangerous! That box must die! However the box was empty when Lupin got back to his chair… and no one was in the room.

"Oh no…" Lupin mumbled… Suddenly two arms wrapped around him from behind, in a somewhat familiar manner.

"My one true love… I'm hooome." Tonks hissed in Lupin's ear.

"TONKS?" Lupin could have jumped out of his own skin. "Wh-What are you- How did you get here?"

"Magical Muggle Post." Tonks explained, her voice dripping with lust. "I shipped myself to you!"

"I- Tonks look I'm flattered but I… I just…" Lupin tried to explain.

"What is it my love?" Tonks asked, licking his ear.

"I don't love you!" Lupin broke from her arms, as she went rigid with shock. "I- I love Mr. Rogers."  
"I can be Mr. Rogers." Tonks wiggled her eyebrows.  
"No! I meant Babbity Rabbity!"  
"I can be a rabbit."  
"NO! I meant Ron Weasley!"  
"Easily."  
"NO! I meant… Oh please stop transforming! Please go home!" Lupin began to sob.

"But I can be everything you want, whether you want it or not!" Tonks began to laugh maniacally as Lupin evaluated his options… Yes. Today was the day. He had the revolver in his hand!

"GET OUT OR I'LL SHOOT YOU!" Lupin aimed at her, a crazy glint in his eye.

"Oh so that's what turns you on." Tonks smirked.  
"NO!" Lupin dropped his arm down… then smiled again … and aimed at the nearest lamp. "LEAVE OR THE LAMP GETS IT!"  
"NOT THE LAMP YOU SICK BASTARD!" Tonks cried out. "LEAVE THE LAMP OUT OF THIS!"  
"You're right…" Lupin lowered the gun again. "That was entirely too far."  
"Exactly, now make love to me." Tonks held her arms out for some kind of hug.  
"No Tonks. There is only one end to this fanfiction." Lupin smiled grimly. "I think I've known it since the first sentence."

"No! Wait Remus-!" Tonks cried as Lupin lifted the gun to his head.

"I need to see my friends again, Tonks." Lupin smiled sadly.  
"I CAN BE YOUR FRIENDS!" Tonks began shifting into James Potter, Sirius Black, and Severus Snape.

"OH GOD! YOU CAN'T EVEN LET ME DIE WITHOUT INVOLVING SEVERUS!" Lupin lamented. "WOE IS ME!"

"Who do you love?!" Tonks began to sob. "I can fix this!"  
"I'm sorry, Tonks, but you just can't replace Dedalus Diggle." Lupin said. "He is married, so this gun is my only escape."  
"YOU DON'T NEED A GUN! I CAN BE YOUR GUN!" Tonks sobbed. "LET ME BE YOUR GUN!"

"I'm sorry Tonks… I just don't love you that way." Lupin pulled the trigger.

_BANG!_

Tonks threw herself on the body, sobbing heavily.

"Why oh why?" She cried, sobbing heavily. "Why couldn't you at least let me be the bullet?"

THE END


End file.
